Sincerely Carolina

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Own it, Bi-yatch.

by caroline

Truth time: I've been feelin' a little blue lately and I can't really put a finger on exactly what has been making me feel this way.

But I am … I'm kinda blue.

The worst part? I've been beating myself up over it. Thinking about it, mulling it over, asking myself, "What could be so bad?" I've urged myself to kick it to the curb and gotten a little mad at myself when I can't seem to shake it.

I was stuck in a mood today when I began to get a little teary-eyed. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" I said aloud. I sat there for awhile,  telling myself to knock it off and get my act together. But then, I realized: I was the problem.

Instead of letting myself work through the mood and do the things that I needed to accomplish in my day, I was sitting around giving this bad mood dude all kinds of attention he didn't deserve.

At that moment, I was reminded of a post my good friend and fellow blogger, Caitlin, wrote a little ways back about blogger Rachel Wilkerson, and her pledge to own what some people (including herself) might view as her misgivings and imperfections. She vowed to stop feeling guilty and say to herself and everyone else, "Sorry I'm not sorry."

 

I’m going to run a marathon even though I’m not a runner. Sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m going to live at home for a year while I work on a manuscript about how ridiculous I was in college. I’ve owned it.

I’m going to eat real butter. Sorry I’m not sorry.

My mom reads my blog. I’ve owned it.

I’m going to move across the country for a guy. Sorry I’m not sorry.

 

After re-reading Wilkerson's post and realizing that I was the very root of my own problem, I decided to make a list of my own, starting with the way I feel today:

 

Sometimes I feel a little sad and it takes me a few days, lots of talking it out and several deep breaths to get back to "normal". I've owned it.

When I'm angry, I try to break the pavement by pounding through a tough run — or I bake. Sometimes I do both. Sorry I'm not sorry.

I might want to tear your head off, but I'll cry instead. I'm a rather emotional fighter. I've owned it.

I eat peanut butter by the spoonfuls. Straight from the jar. Sorry I'm not sorry.

I struggle with my body image and sometimes I am really hard on myself. I've owned it.

Being a writer is not the most "practical" job and I'm OK with that. Other people would like to know when I'm going to join the "real world", but I'm really quite happy. Sorry I'm not (the least bit) sorry.

 

Whoosh. Just like that. That feeling of guilt lifted straight from my chest. I wrote those words down and took the biggest deep breath I have taken in days. That clenching feeling in my chest that felt like it was clawing its way up my throat? Gone.

Do me a favor: Grab a pen and paper and write down five things you feel guilty about or feel like other people might judge-y judge. Write 'em down! And then, next to each one write the affirmation that will help you to stop feeling guilty about the things that make you who you are. 

SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.

Remember that dizzy, giggly feeling you got when you were a kid and spun around like a crazy person, arms flailing? That's how you'll feel when you do this exercise (minus the nauseous stomach — don't spin that much). Free. No holds barred. Light. And more than anything? Empowered. Because you are owning the person you are today.

And no one's about to make you feel bad about it.

I'm curious: What's something your not sorry for? Share your thoughts below!